Like being shot...

I haven't posted in a while... the last few months have been a little rough, physically, mentally, and psychologically. Many times I wished to be over with it and just be dead already. My body aching all the time. Out of breath all the time. Gaining weight uncontrollably. And to top it all, meds are making a wreck of me. I can't concentrate, I can't sleep, I can't wake up, I forget things, and I am basically a bipolar monstrosity: one minute I am yelling and shouting like a mad man, throwing and kicking things around the house, and the next I am crying wishing I was dead. It's been hell... and just kept getting worse.

The only semblance to a silver lining was the fact that one of the drugs (Rituximab) might actually have been helping. This was about the only thing that kept me going: the thought that I might actually, at some point, recover completely (or close to it) and be able to get off the meds. And then... it was no more. Whatever it did, it was over. I started getting worse again, so I don't know anymore...

I had this recurrent dream. It wasn't the same all the time, but the situation was always the same. In these dreams, for one reason or another, I got shot. Sometimes it was a robber that assaulted me on the street, or I got and some fight and someone pulled up a gun and shot me. The fact was I got shot. Usually in the abdomen. It was not an instant kill, but somehow I knew it was a fatal shot. Also, in these dreams, help was always out of reach. If I was robbed, I wasn't near a hospital, and the robbers took my phone. I could walk a little, but I knew I would never make it anywhere before I was dead. And so I had a sudden realization that, within minutes, I'd be dead. It was over. I was bleeding internally to death and there was nothing I could do about it...